I've been pondering whether or not to blog on this subject. It's been a challenging time for us and letting any internet browser read it made me cringe. However, I'm to the point where I feel that talking about this is going to help me process and move on, so *sigh* here I go.
On November 6th, we found out that we were expecting! We were excited and nervous, as most first time parents are. We vowed not to tell anyone yet, as we wanted to wait and see a doctor to make things official. So I diligently called my doctor and was told a nurse would call me back to reschedule. Then, Saturday morning I woke up with intense pain in my abdomen lasting for nearly an hour. I called the Nurse line and they suggested I go into the ER, however after getting off the phone with them, I began to feel better and the pain went away. I started bleeding that day, but it subsided by Sunday afternoon. Monday morning, I contacted the doctor again, as I still had not heard from anyone. They diligently took down my responses to all of their questions and informed me that they would let the doctor know, then call me back. Twenty minutes later, I had an ultrasound appointment and order for labs all ready for me for that afternoon. Due to my pain and symptoms, they were concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. I tried not to panic but who wouldn't??
I showed up 15 minutes early for my appointment and waited very impatiently, reading a magazine about "You and Baby," thinking this might not happen. I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and began to tell myself that everything is likely fine and they're just checking to make sure. Finally, they called my name, even pronouncing the last name right. "Please lay down on your back and pull your pants down around your hips." I did as requested, feeling quite nervous. My thought was, "Great, I got the one sonographer that could care less about the impact her job has on my life." Thankfully, things changed and she became more soft-spoken and asked me questions with more tact. Whew...maybe now I can relax a little. She waved her wand over my uterus, pressing hard and expressing that they didn't see anything at this time. I asked her if this was a concern, but she assured me that I wasn't far enough along so it is possible that we won't see anything yet. Four weeks and 1 day, that was my official report. Next we used the ever excited vaginal ultrasound. Uncomfortable, yes, but I guess it saved my life. During this screening, she was quiet and stared intently at the screen. After we finished and I got dressed, she explained that the Doctor would check over the screens to ensure they got what they needed and then I could go get my labs drawn. I waited anxiously and she finally came back. They had everything they needed and she apologized that she could not tell me the results. There was the first time I saw that look. She felt sorry for me and I didn't notice it or register it then, but it was there. This was not the last time I saw this face...
I went and had labs drawn, then headed upstairs to check in with my doctor. I took two steps in the door and saw the waiting room full of women, in addition to four in line. I turned around and walked out the door, thinking, "I doubt they actually have my results already and I'm not waiting 40 minutes or more to fine out, they can just call me." I went back to work and continued paperwork until I headed off for class for the evening.
As I drove to class, I received a phone call. It was my nurse from the OB-GYN, asking why I didn't stop by the office. I explained to her that it wasn't mentioned that it was imperative and I did not feel that they would have had the results already. She stumbled over her words then asked me if I could hold. "Sure," I said, like anyone would ever tell her no? Next, my doctor came on the phone. "Stacey, we think you need to go to the ER. Based on your scans, you may have an ectopic pregnancy." Everything else moved in slow motion. He asked me about pain. "No, not really. Sometimes little twinges like cramps." Where are they located? "Primarily on the right, but sometimes midline." Oh, we think it's in your left tube. Why don't you head to the ER, Dr. Gisi is on call and he will take care of you.
I hung up and immediately called Ben. No answer at his desk. I called his cell. No answer on his cell. I called his desk back and left a message. "Sorry to leave this on your voicemail, but..."
Next, I walked myself into the ER and checked myself in, then sat and let the tears drip down my face. As I sat, I tried to call Ben again and left a message on his cell phone. Twenty minutes later, Ben arrives and sits with me in the waiting room. Finally, my was called. "Put on this gown and the doctor will be in shortly." An hour later, two needle sticks and three vials of blood, the doctor enters. "You have an ectopic pregnancy in your left fallopian tube. We'll go in to operate laprascopically. Any questions?" Uh.........will I still be able to have kids, how long does the surgery take, what are the risks/complications? Questions were answered and five minutes later a gurney was waiting to take me to surgery. All of my jewelry into a plastic biohazard bag. My contact into UA cups, a kiss and more tears with my husband and they wheeled me into the OR. The only thing I remember is sobbing as they put the mask over my face and I was out.
Next thing I remember is waking up freezing, shaking so hard, my throat hurting and the desperate need to pee. Two warm blankets, a dose of morphine and a cup of ice chips later, they wheeled me to the bathroom, made sure I could pee and sent me home.
So.....that's the story. They were able to save my tube, though there is likely to be scarring, which can impact future chances of it reoccurring. We have our postop appointment on Wednesday, so I will update more when I know more. Our loss has been difficult and we think about the what-ifs and could have beens every day, but are trying to heal and look to the future. Thank you to all of our friends and family who have supported us through this extremely challenging time. I thank my husband for being so supportive, holding me when all I can do is cry and talking with me about our future options. He is my best friend and I am so thankful I found him. I love you, Ben.
