Time

No one ever has enough.  We always want more.  More hours in a day, more days in a week (or weekend preferably).  Why do we always book ourselves so full of activities and jobs and things we need to do that when we have free time (what the hell is that anyway?), we can't even sit and relax to enjoy it?!?  In one of my classes, we were challenged to pick one thing that we want to change and take a semester to make that change.  Well, I've realized that there are too many things to pick and I want to change a lot of things.
My first original idea was that I would let go of the "control" that I like to have.  I enjoy knowing what is coming next, what to expect, plan out how each day is going to go and getting EVERYTHING done on my "to do" list for the day.  Yes, I make a "to do" list even on the weekends...if not hand written, it is at least mental.  After realizing how daunting of a task that seems, I have since modified it.  My goal is to take time to do at least 1 thing for myself every day and recognize it.  This can't possibly be that difficult right?  Ehhhh, you are talking to the control freak!  So of course I started to schedule my "me" time and then it just felt like another thing on my "to do" list.  Okay, clearly this is not working and I'm getting frustrated.  My professor's point was to get an understanding of how difficult it is to make changes.  He wants us to see what our clients go through as they are making changes and help us realize that things do get in the way of our goals and it's not just an excuse or resistance to counseling.  Boy, have I learned quick.
Now, my goal has been modified yet again.  I'm not scheduling my "me" time, but I'm setting the bar low.  I will be happy if I get in 1 thing this week and next week I will try for two.  I'm working on changing my perspective and accepting the little joys instead of wallowing in the minor failures that I see.  Between counting calories, two nights of class, work, homework, housework (man, where did all this work come from??), and trying to get in exercise on a regular basis, my life is FULL.  Though, I'm not feeling fulfilled.  I go to bed each night thinking, "Did I even say more than 'Hi, honey' or 'Goodnight' to my husband?  When was the last time we sat and really engaged with each other, without the tv on?  How much worse is this going to get once we have a child involved in our lives?  Now is the time to make a change.
Each time I think about how much the floor needs vacuuming or that it has literally been 3 weeks since the bathroom has been cleaned, I'm trying to stop and think about what matters more.  It's very strange and causes some anxiety.  I will admit I've woken up in the middle of the night and thought, "Do you think Ben would noticed if I vacuumed the stairs quick?"  But I'm starting to enjoy this "me" time that seems to appear when I least expect it.  For example, this blog post totally would not have happened if I hadn't stopped myself from emptying the dishwasher and took the time to express myself at this very moment.  I like blogging, don't do it enough and don't think I'm really good at it, but eh...  It's a step towards reclaiming my life and the Time that I've let slip away.